ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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