Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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