So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
