I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
