Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
