We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
