Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
