Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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