And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We need to rekindle our bromance
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
