he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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