My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
