Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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