Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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