I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
