i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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