I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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