its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
