omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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