lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize