I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
