Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
