Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
