i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
