Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
