just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
