The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
