I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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