haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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