it was like having sex with a tree stump
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
