the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
