and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
