So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
