totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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