Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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