im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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