I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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