I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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