She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
