I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
