the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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