Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
