we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
