so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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