i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
