fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
