can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
