I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize