Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
