I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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