my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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