the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
