Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
