dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize