Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
