he thought i was a dude.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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